Having just returned from two weeks in Amsterdam, I find myself feeling a lot of different emotions. There’s this weird limbo kind of feeling I’m having where I’m not quite here or there. I’m somewhat torn between two lives, two versions of myself. There’s the Erin who lives in Texas (and has lived her entire life) and the Erin who lives in Amsterdam. How it’s possible to feel split between two places yet feel entire whole in each at the same time, I don’t know. But that’s where I’m at right now.
I started feeling this way when we walked back into our Texas house yesterday and I smelled its familiar smells, saw all my things right where I’d left them, and robotically fell back into the same familiar routine of unpacking from a trip. Except this was no ordinary trip. It wasn’t a vacation but rather a visit to our other home. A home that soon will be our primary residence. It hit me that I wouldn’t be inhabiting this house much longer. I might have just unpacked my suitcase here for the last time. So many other mundane tasks await me to do for the last time here. I started thinking about the last time I will shower here or brush my teeth, the last ball that gets thrown in the yard for the girls, or the last time I place a vase of flowers on our kitchen table. The last meal Paul cooks in our kitchen! Ooh, that one just hit me. Am I the only one who gets a little nostalgic about things like this?
For the past couple of weeks, we really lived in our Amsterdam apartment. We cooked meals, watched an entire season of Ozark, and Paul went to the office everyday. Sounds borderline boring, doesn’t it? It just felt so normal and like home almost immediately. I thought it might take longer to feel that way but it didn’t. I mean, there was a bit of a learning curve at first (radiators, I’m looking at you – you too, washer and dryer), but I loved it! I think we picked the perfect place in the perfect neighborhood. We even found the perfect spot to grab a coffee on the way to the park! I know our girls are going to love this new adventure, too. It was a very productive and fun time, and I was so sad to leave.
Now that we are back in Texas for a bit, I’m also just as happy to be here. Things run on autopilot here. I know where everything is and I can read because everything is in English! Could I envision myself just living out my days here instead? Of course. But I also know that amazing things lie ahead in Amsterdam. So, while I know I will be sad to leave, I also know that this is an incredible opportunity. Not just to experience something new, but it’s given me an opportunity to look at the life I have now through a renewed lens. I’m taking it all in for the last time for a while. I’m appreciating every tiny thing like it’s the biggest deal ever. Not that I didn’t appreciate my life here before, but reflecting on the past eight years in San Antonio makes me love it even more. I look forward to coming back and visiting again.
I think I’m feeling all the extra feels today because I’m missing our girls. Without them, nowhere feels 100% like home. They come back tomorrow and I CAN’T WAIT! My mom is bringing them and then staying for a few days. I am really looking forward to some girl time.
If you’ve ever experienced this kind of change in your life, like an international move, I’d love to hear your thoughts!
And as always, thank you for reading!
xo – Erin
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Not Quite Here or There appeared first on CathedralsandCafes.com. If you see this content published anywhere else, please email cathedralsandcafes@gmail.com.
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